Winning

By admin | Filed in Winning

Winning! That’s what I expect from our Toastmasters club as we pulverize the competition in tonight’s debate. In case you haven’t guessed from my previous statement, I’m competitive. I like to walk away with the win.

After reading my other posts, you might raise an eyebrow at my killer attitude when it comes to winning. You might even think I’m a terrible winner–one that would get in the losing team’s collective faces, yelling “How ya like us now, Baby!” or “In yo’ face!” None of that stuff for me…at least on the outside. On the outside, I shake hands, and say, “Good game.” But on the inside I’m cheering “booyah”!

Before my journey to the other side of through, I would have squelched that competitive part of me, trying to convince myself that this exuberant competitive part was wrong. It’s not wrong–it just is. No one gets into a race saying they would be happy as punch to lose. Sure, I’ve heard people say that just placing would be good enough. I’ve heard Oscar contenders say they are just honored to receive a nomination. All that might be true, but you just know, on the inside, they want to win, Baby.

A little high-strung? Nah, just having fun.

One last thing: Go Simply Speaking Toastmasters! Whip up on the competition!

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Working for Myself

By admin | Filed in Moving On

For the past several weeks, I’ve been researching information for my Toastmasters club to compete against another club in a debate. I love to research, and when I do I’m focused and diligent. The thought occurred to me of why am I not as focused and diligent when working for myself? If I can put as much work into making sure my Toastmasters club has all the information they need for a win, certainly I can work as hard, if not harder, when working for myself.

I think I get a case of the what-ifs–what if it doesn’t yield the desired goal, then what do I do? What if I go blank while giving a speech in front of hundreds or even thousands of people? I play scenarios in my mind that might never happen. Sometimes I’m afraid of being confident, because what if my confidence results in nothing. It results in gains for others, but not for me? Isn’t that silly. Why not me? I’m just as capable as the next person.

The other thing that keeps me in idle and not working for myself as I would for someone else is that I don’t know all I need to know about a subject. No one will ever know all there is to know about a given subject. However, if I lack knowledge, then learn it. After learning, then go out and share what I know. I don’t have to know everything to get started.

Why am I like this? From years of planted seeds of doubt that took root in my all-too-trusting mind. I trusted people who were not trustworthy. As I continue my journey to the other side of through, I want to fully grasp that “he” cannot hurt me anymore. If I think he can, then I continue to give power to someone who no longer has and never will again have a place in my life. I’m much more than what his subtle emotional assaults would have had me to believe.

No matter how impossible it may look, it is my purpose to fulfill that which God has called me to do.

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Distractions Creeping Up On Me

By admin | Filed in Moving On

On my journey to the other side of through, I’m learning that I have to watch for distractions creeping up on me. I’ve become very involved in Toastmasters. I love being apart of this fantastic organization. The people are wonderful, and the training is just what I need to get me to where I want–a speaker to hundreds (Dare I say thousands?). I have to take care not to become so involved that I don’t have enough energy to pursue my goal of becoming a motivational speaker.

Distractions creeping up on me could come in the form of people. I love being around my friends, and I plan to continue spending as much time as possible. However, I need to stay balanced.

I say all of this because sometimes I’m easily distracted. I can walk from my bedroom to the kitchen, and on my way find something that needs doing.

When married, my then-husband, my youngest daughter and I would be on our way from church to the parking lot, and I would find at least three people who I had to talk to. One Sunday we needed to get home. My daughter kept telling me to “Focus, Momma” so that I would hurry along. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

I know God has given me a message that I need to proclaim. I want to speak for women who feel as though they do not have a voice to express their pain of emotional abuse. I can’t let an out-of-balanced life distract me.

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I’ve Been Thinking

By admin | Filed in Emotional Abuse

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my future and its possibilities, and I like what I see. Before divorce (BD), I felt imprisoned by my ex’s gaslighting abuse. My reality had been altered, and the abuse was so intense that by the time I was out of the marriage, I was surprised that I could tie my own shoes. However, that is no longer true. I’m happy to report I no longer look at velcro as an option to my shoe laces.

I’ve been divorced for over two years, and I’m happier than I can remember (Please do everything you can to make your marriage work–divorce is gut ripping). It was rough getting to this point. I had to maneuver many mountain crags. If it were not for God, His mercy, His grace and the many friends who prayed for me, I could not have made it.

I’m very thankful for my Toastmasters’ club. What a caring, loving and supportive group of people. I’m looking at giving my fourth speech in two days. Wow. From where I’ve come, this is amazing. My speech is a personal one. It was hard to write, and it might be hard to give. However, I feel as though I need to give it to take away the power this pain has had over me and to give others the courage to speak of their pain.

 

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Still Breathing

By admin | Filed in Emotional Abuse, Moving On

I’m still breathing and enjoying life in a way I didn’t think was possible. When I was inside the confines of emotional abuse, I couldn’t see anything past my circumstances. I felt like the mime who pantomimes being inside of a box–no matter which way I turned, I felt enclosed by walls. Thank God that walls can be kicked down.

One of the ways that God is enabling me to kick down walls is through my Toastmasters club. What an encouraging group of people. I’ve given speeches on my emotional abusive marriage and what I endured. I was so nervous, but these loving people never judged me. Not even when tears slid across my cheeks. Instead they stood and applauded me and embraced me in arms of support. They gave me courage to voice my pain.

And I’m still breathing.

Suffering silently only gives those circumstances that caused the pain more power. You can’t voice your pain to just anyone. Do it with those you trust. I have many loving people in my life who are willing to support me through what has hurt my heart.

And…I’m still breathing.

 

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A Former Gaslighter

By admin | Filed in Emotional Abuse

I continue my journey to the other side of through. In my previous post, I wrote about gaslighting. This morning I received an email from a high school boyfriend. After my former husband and I went our separate ways, the high school boyfriend and I made an attempt to get together. I was interested in him, but no longer. He was another gaslighter. I’ve had to look within myself to see what it is about me that made me so susceptible to these two men.

With my former husband, I was very young and trusting, and he was cunning and had studied how to control people. I was so naive, thinking that other people thought just like I did–if I treat someone with love and kindness, surely they would act in kind. Through all my years, I’ve learned that there are some people who like to control others to feel superior and feed their god-wannabe complexes. These people are very insecure, afraid that someone might find out who they really are.

With the old high school boyfriend, I was still adjusting to the divorce and very vulnerable. The last thing I needed were more mind games, but that’s what I got. It’s not a good idea to immediately start another relationship after ending a marriage. I was fortunate because the former high school boyfriend was short-lived. It was soon after that, I began to avoid any male attention. It was the best thing I could have done. It gave me a chance to focus on myself.

During that time, I thought about what I wanted and what type of healthy relationship I wanted. I’m happy to write that I now know what I want.

In the past year, I’ve lost 81 pounds, joined Toastmasters International, and the relationship with my adult children has improved. I’m grateful to God for how he’s working in my life. Sometimes I’m so grateful, I just walk around my apartment, crying and thanking God. If it was not for the Lord and the many prayers of people I know and some I didn’t know, I’m not sure what I would have done.

For anyone who has been the target of an emotional abuser, you can get better, and one day you’ll hold your head up and breathe again.

 

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I unintentionally let my host for my site expire. However, I’m back, and I apologize to all my readers.

I’m still on my journey to the other side of through. My journey has taken some positive spins. I’m thinking with more clarity than I had before, and I realized that I made the right decision to leave my former husband. Before I go on, let me say that I wouldn’t recommend divorce to any one. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. It guts your insides, and the pain from the gutting goes on for a long time. However, if you are not safe, please move to a place of safety.

In my journey to the other side of through, I’ve learned things about my ex that has had me questioning his sanity and his ethics. I have also questioned myself about how I could marry such a man. But he was good at hiding himself and good at systematically trying to drive me insane. Would someone do that, you might ask. My answer is an absolute “yes”. It’s called gaslighting. I’ll discuss in later posts, but it is a calculated way of trying to drive someone insane. It’s the worst form of emotional abuse, and, in its extreme, can drive a person to suicide. Gaslighting is an evil thing.

Even though my experience was horrible, God made something beautiful from it–my wonderful children. I’m so thankful for them.

Since my last post, I’ve also joined Toastmasters, and I’ll give my second speech in less than two weeks. I’ll be speaking on gaslighting. My desire is to help women who are going through or who have gone through emotional abuse.

Since I’m back on line, my hope is to make more regular posts and keep you updated on my journey to the other side of through. I have much to tell.

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